Before my first experience with sexuality I understood procreation as it applied to the animal kingdom, I had seen animals mate and give birth. It was done in a natural way at appropriate times for natural reasons. So when one day I was walking home from school and I saw my father’s car parked near the pond I assumed he was not doing anything wrong. I walked over to the pond to see what dad was up to, when I was almost there I heard a woman’s voice. Something told me I should not announce my presence yet, so I carefully made my way over to where I could see. What I saw was my father and a woman from town, Jane Witt in an embrace in the water. They were both naked. I was in shock and not knowing what to do I backed out as quietly as I could and went home. I could not tell anyone about this because something told me it was wrong and I did not know what would happen if I told someone. You see I had learned to keep quiet along time before, when my parents would drink, which was often, they would argue about stupid things, this made me and my sisters scared and taught us how to ignore obvious things. When the morning came everything was normal and nothing that was said or done the night before was ever acknowledged. This incident of seeing my father with another woman was the start of a major conflict in me. I had my ethics and morals, but I was identified with my family and I felt as though I needed to belong to my family as it was my only identity. Also this incident sharpened my sexual radar it opened my eyes so to speak.
Sometime later I was sleeping in my room, my room was accessed by going through my fathers room, now I say my father’s room because my parents slept in different rooms. My mother slept in a chair in the den downstairs, supposedly because of asthma she could not lay down. I woke up and wanted to go down to get a drink of water. I opened my door and saw my sister Jody sitting on top of my father who was laying on his bed, she was in her underwear and so was he. It didn’t take a Einstein to figure out they were doing something wrong, just the look on their faces told you that. I had about a second to decide what to do, there appeared to be no coercion so I looked away and kept walking. After I got down stairs I thought about the situation for a while. I finally decide I needed to talk to my mother. I told her what I saw and asked her what should be done. She looked at me and asked what I thought she could do. I told her and she told me to forget what I saw and mind my own business.
Sometime later I saw my father with my sister Debbie in the reservoir swimming in very similar circumstances to when I saw my father with Jane Witt, I felt powerless and walked away. I don’t know the timeline here but I was somewhere between 7 and 10 years old. My sisters were both well developed at this point. I need to say something about my mom here. I remember my mother as always being the same, 250 pounds 5’6” tall. She never wore anything other than a dress and a bra if she was going out. When I was very young she took care of the house, but by the time I was 6 years old or so she started slacking off. By the time I graduated grammar school she only did the absolute minimal. She would cook dinner out of a can, and there was always a large pile of laundry, dirt on the floor, basically we lived in a pig pen. I could not invite anyone over as it was too embarrassing. There were times when my mother tried to seduce me, I guess I am fortunate that I found her disgusting, otherwise I would have more to regret and feel guilty about. She would wait for me to walk in a room and bend over. Her dress would rise to her tail bone and I would be forced to see a site I still cannot get out of my mind.
One day when my parents were arguing they decided to divorce or at least split up, for some reson they thought it appropriate to ask me who I would go with. I was 8 years old. They had decided that my sisters would stay with mom, but could not decide on me, so I had to decide. Finally it was decided I would go with dad. I don’t remember how. Dad drove to the liquor store and bought a half gallon of vodka and asked me what I wanted to drink, so I said coke. We then went to our cottage as it was not rented at the time. Dad proceeded to drink, I decided if I was going to be with dad I should be like dad so I mixed enough coke to color the vodka and drank two full glasses. It was not long before I passed out. I was working on third glass when it hit me. Sometime during the night I woke up and puked up everything in my stomach. After I finished I looked around for dad and could not find him. I was scared and lonely. I felt like I had been a traitor to my mother, so how could I go home? Finally I mustered the courage to walk home. Well what do I see when I get there my father sitting down to breakfast and everything normal, Not a word was said when I walked in, or ever after as it turned out, it never happened.
My father worked swing shifts so sometimes we got a reprive. He would work nights and we would go to school during the day. My sister had a boyfriend that was much older when I was about 12, he was a radio DJ, one day when she was laying on dads bed talking to him on the phone while dad was working, I came in to the room and listened to the conversation, she was laying with her legs drawn up and I could see her underwear, which had a hole in the middle. I became excited listening to love talk and seeing what I was seeing. She would look at me and smile as I looked at her. When she finished the call, I told her I wanted to have sex with her. She took my hand and we went to her room. It was very strange I could not ejaculate; I tried but could not do it. This was my first sexual experience and she tried to teach me how but I believe that my whole reason for doing this was to become a part of the family. By giving up my values and ethics and taking on my family’s I had a place I belonged. Latter when I tried to deal with this in therapy my sister blew it off and would not talk about it. Also my therapist told me it was not important and I didn’t need to worry about it. Man were they wrong.
At a later time I felt as though I needed more connection to this way of life or I was just so messed up by this time that one day when I was sitting in the living room with my sister Debbie I started playing with her leg and moved on till I talked her into letting me have sex with her as well. It had the same result I could not ejaculate. This was something in my subconscious kept me from making children with my sisters. I was older when this happened, maybe 15. Again the same result, after it was like nothing ever happened, all was normal and no one talked about what went bump in the night.
About this time my mother and sisters went on vacation together and I went on vacation with dad. They went to Pennsylvania to seek out family roots and we went to Vermont to enjoy the outdoors. Dad used to take all of us to Connecticut to see the road races at Thomson, we really enjoyed that. One time dad took me with him to Connecticut and we stopped at a clinic I asked what we were doing there and he did not answer, we went in and he found a middle aged blond woman in very nice shape, he hugged her and they started talking, he turned to me and introduced us, then he said this is the woman I should have married. I can tell you if I had not wanted to kill him before, which I had, I defiantly did now. But as with all things in our family we did not discuss it, it never happened.
My sister introduced me to a friend of theirs when I was 15 I think. Ariel Brunel was a girl who lived in the next town over and was two years older than me, she was a farm girl and not very pretty or smart, Perfect match for me so my sisters thought. I would ride my bike to see her on weekends and after school. We had sex almost immediately and every chance we had. One time we went to the annual Chaffins carnival and I bought a ticket to the car that was raffled off every year. I knew I would not win so I gave the ticket to Ariel, well this ticket did win and her father got a brand new Chevy nova. She stayed my girlfriend till I got back from Viet Nam. After being overseas I could not marry this girl. I had learned things about people and most importantly about me that changed almost everything about me. She was lucky that I broke up with her as she went on to have a good life with kids and husband.