I have had a conflict in me as long as I can remember. It is the conflict between intellect and instinct. I hate all kinds of violence, including verbal. My mother and father had certain words they would never allow to pass their lips, these included any and all swear words and it also included the three words I Love You. In my entire life I never heard these words from either of my parents to me or each other or to anyone else. My mother would often say that a person’s language was a sign of intellect. And she could cut you up one side and down the other without ever uttering a curse. She was intelligent; there was not one book in the Paxton center library she had not read. She would wait till the library got a new book and then send someone to get it so she could read it.

Back to violence, every time I am physically abused I have a instinct to fight, but something in my mind catches me half way there and causes me to stop and think. It all happens in a blink of an eye. The first time I can remember was when my father punched me hard enough to send me flying through the screen door behind me. As soon as I hit the ground outside I was on my feet headed back in when my mind stopped me. I literally was in mid step. There was maybe three steps the last one through the screen door. Now simultaneously I was planning how I would kill him. Now I say it was my mind that stopped me but I don’t remember thinking anything till after I stopped. So perhaps this is also instinct or perhaps it is a force of the universe. I just don’t know, what I do know is it is always there without fail.

Another time is when I was riding with Walter Lambert and bubba Labuff was sitting next to me. I was in middle in front seat. Bubba had been drinking and for no reason decided to punch me in the side of the head. Instincts made me want to attack open door and push him out, then pound him to an inch of his life. Now it must be said that he was much bigger than me. But size really does not matter much if you have adrenalin on your side. Again something stopped me and I just fumed for a long time.

One time when I was in boot camp the CO had left us alone to drill. Some of the guys decided to try some fancy stuff. I decided to try too but I was not smart enough to watch for CO so I was the only one caught. The CO took my rifle from me and swung the butt into my chin hard enough to knock me on my ass. Before my but hit the ground my hands caught my fall and I swung my legs under me and sprang toward the CO. I had never felt like this I am sure the CO had some reservations at this point. The look on my face was pure rage; again something stopped me mid stride. I was not more than 6 inches from the CO and completely tensed and ready to spring. But I was paralyzed in that instant. Something outside of me stopped me. In this instant I am grateful as if I had followed through I would surly have been given a dishonorable discharge.

There have been a couple of times when this force stopped me from hitting women, even if they did deserve it. One time my mother had me so wound up I actually cocked my arm back before I realized it. She was in a rare mood and was like a bulldog after it grabs your leg. She could not let up after she got started. Again something stopped me before follow through.

I hate all kinds of violence. If given the chance to think I will always choose to take the pain to myself rather than give it to others. I firmly believe in the balance of the universe. If you cause harm you will have to pay for this sometime. All bills will be paid, either by you or your descendants, this is karma. The same works with doing a good deed, a good deed can eliminate karma, and will also be repaid. This law is a universal law there must be balance, nothing for nothing and something for something never something for nothing. We as humans are not smart enough or wise enough to see how it balances out most of the time especially since we have a vested interest and therefor have directional vision.



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