I have spent my whole life observing life looking for a place to fit in that felt right. When I was very young I felt centered and knew who I was and where I fit. At some time in early childhood I lost this. I became lost, and have remained so all my life. It is hard to explain but at times I find a place to try to fit but it always proves to be a mistake. The only time I have been close is after I left the VA hospital, but at this time I had to feel at home in myself and this I also could not trust or perhaps it was just too lonely.
I became an expert at reading people, any small deviation from normal behavior was suspect and I had to know why. It became a way of life for me, constantly watching every little word, every little bit of body language. Most of the time I did not trust my observations, this was a lack of self-confidence. I definitely learned not to trust others. Every person I got close to always did something I could not understand or kept secrets. For me the only relationship that could work is if both parties were completely open and honest. This kind of relationship takes years to achieve if it is possible at all. I learned the truth to the saying “a tiger never loses his stripes”. Meaning if a person is a drug addict or alcoholic today he will be tomorrow. Oh I understand there is no absolute except for there being no absolute but it became a good rule of thumb, proven again and again. I am an exception to this rule myself, I have had the opportunity to completely remake myself, I took advantage of this opportunity although my old self is not so far away it is not a danger, it was not lost and will always be a part of who I am. During 58 years of life I have found two friends I can depend on, people who have stuck by me in good times and bad. They don’t completely understand me but they do believe in me and respect me. As I do them. Perhaps I understand them more, One much better at managing his life than the other. I did meet a woman who I trust to a degree but I am not attracted to her physically so we would never be life partners. It is hard to find people you can respect when you are both intelligent and knowledgeable in the ways people fail. Even though it is difficult and sometimes impossible to explain to a person how they are wrong and why they will be disappointed if they continue in a direction, it remains obvious and painful to watch for me.
I understand someone doing something out of desire even though they know it will cause them pain or others pain. I am no stranger to conflict; many times I have not been able to resist temptation. Especially when it comes to sexual gratification, even after many times of feeling unsatisfied. I feel free from all my worldly worry’s and pain during a sexual encounter but after I am usually unchanged and feel remorse if it involved being unfaithful to another person. If I have done this it reinforces my feelings of loneliness and worthlessness, my lack of ability to trust myself. All of this keeps me from being too judgmental toward others. The saying take the log out of your own eye before you complain of the splinter in mine had always been with me. So I spend a great deal of time trying to remove the log. Why you might ask? Many people have logs and are oblivious to it. They live a life of bumping into walls and causing pain and seem to not care. They just go from day to day without ever looking in and doing any self-evaluation. The answer is that I felt out of sync and have searched all my life for who, what, where, and when I should, and want to be.
One of my best friends lives with the philosophy of when in doubt accelerate, I have always been the opposite of when in doubt hesitate. When I was in boy scout camp I had what I remember as my first epiphany, I was listening to a farewell speech at the end of camp. We had a big bon fire and there were maybe a couple of hundred boys sitting on a hill listening to the speaker. The speaker spoke about humility and how it was the most important character trait to develop when living life and the benefits of it. This really spoke to me and it felt like he was peeking directly to me, I felt like every other person left and it was only me who could hear, it has stayed with me till now. It felt like god was speaking to me. I am not a religious person but I do believe in nature and what I call god. I believe we are all connected with each other and every other thing in the universe. Lately I have been proven right with science, although we know science is not the end all of truth, it is only our limited understanding as of today. I consider myself a seeker of truth.
We live with what we have, having blind faith or blind confidence is a dangerous thing, so is blind humility, if we knew everything we could be happy and never question or make mistakes that would later hurt us. But sadly we are in a process of growth, those who realize this are far better off. To be a balanced person who has the opportunity to have the most enjoyable life is to have a balanced outlook on what they can know and what they cannot. It is to have balance between confidence and humility. If one has confidence without humility they are destined to have blind faith that will continually let them down and disappoint them, and they will not have answers when it does. If a person has blind humility they will never start, they will always remain on the starting line; one can always find an excuse for why not. Only together can one be balanced and make good well-rounded decisions on how and when and if one should take a particular road. I should talk about the spiritual side of this equation. That is what life is; an equation, being all connected to every other thing in the universe we have a tool to help us that is not biased and has no nickels in the pot. Perhaps you have experienced it maybe not, but I know I have, not often, I wish it was. But on rare occasion I have been spoken to not in words but in knowing something I have no reason to know instantly and to the very depth of my soul I know something. Not the kind of vague You will live a long life kind of thing, more like if you keep walking in this direction for the next ten minutes you will be arrested kind of thing.